We’ve all had him.

The fine-as-hell dude with supreme d-game. He’s the one you call when you need that itch scratched. The one that can make you scream at the highest octaves, make your toes go curling and execute your blowout. He’ll have your limbs spread from far, far east to the wildest, most untamed west.

Basically, his shit is good. But that’s about all he’s good for.

This fine-as-hell dude with supreme d-game has himself completely convinced his perfect penis is all he needs to offer and the most tragic thing of all is…he’s sold many of us on his slim offerings too. So much so, that many of us fail to properly place this man in the dude-to-smash lane. Continual climaxes cloud our judgement and we open more than legs, we open hearts or even more deadly, our pockets.

We’re dispelling the Myths of Mr. Good Dick. Ladies, let’s stop falling for the okie doke.

1. He won’t take you out.

No ma’am. This is precisely the kind of guy who will find every reason not to take you out. They’ll be no dinner at STK. Not even a night at the billiards bar. Immediately after you give him your number, he’s texting like, “Let’s watch Netflix.” His logic is this: Why spend money on a girl when I know I only want to smash? On a technicality, even little stick men will pull off this stunt, but Mr. Good Dick is far more ballsy (pun intended).

2. He’s a phenomenal loser.

It’s particularly the myth of Mr. Good Dick that he’s an all around good catch. Girl, naw! He’s usually a gross underachiever and limited on coin. Yet, his balls are super sautéed with ego so he finds his loser status acceptable and expects you to as well because he’s got good d-game.

3. He’s more cocky than Kanye.

Kanye earned his right to be cocky (sometimes) with millions of albums sold, 21 Grammy awards and being besties with Beyonce and Jay-Z. Mr. Good Dick? His cocky is all in his cock, but honey, he’ll pop off, go in and show out like you owe him something.

4. He’s a lazy lover.

Be clear–Mr. Good Dick is not synonymous with Mr. Super Freak. Surprisingly, Mr. Good Dick can be a lazy lover. Those balls so soaked in ego, he thinks he doesn’t have to go out of his way to please you. No setting the mood. No foreplay. No going downtown, either. Yep. Signal to this guy you want him to take a trip to the love below, he’s likely to tell you with a straight face, “Nah. I don’t do that.” Seriously sir?! You don’t eat? They still make men like you? Oh.

5. He gets too way comfortable.

You called on Jesus, Mary and the three wise men a little too loud and now he thinks your home is his home—and your car is his car. This is the dude who’s likely to walk right into your house and go straight to the refrigerator. Hungry, broke ass. Tell him to get a job!

6. He’s a habitual liar.

Finally and worse of all, he’s a lying Larry. Oh, honey he’ll have you believing all kinds of myths. “Yeah you know, I’m about to co-produce the new Future album,” or the all-time fave, “I don’t really live with my Mama. I’m just staying with her for a few months to help out with the bills.” Don’t be surprised if children pop out the wood-works, too! Mr. Good Dick is fertile.

Ultimately ladies, it’s all about what you allow. Don’t ever forget you’re in the driver’s seat, despite what today’s go-to romantic comedy sells us. And lest we forget, there’s nothing more hotter twirling this stratosphere than Ms. Good P.

Geneva S. Thomas

Geneva S. Thomas

Geneva is the founder of Jawbreaker, which she plans on turning into an intergalactic all-girl army that will someday storm the streets of the world in studded bras and Tom Ford boots. She recently took up archery and collects more books than shoes.

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