Men with beards are everything. It’s nothing like when a man is all tall and stuff wearing a woody cologne like Joop and his beard gently sweeps your skin as he kisses you like a low-speed Clarisonic.

I represent many women whose panties become moistened with oceanic thrills at the sight of a man with a Rick Ross-type beard. Ever notice how most iconic male leaders always had beards? Malcolm X, Che Guevara, Jesus.

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CheHigh

And here’s science actually proving I’m not the only beard-chasing horny maniac twirling earth.

In a recent study, researchers studied facial hair and other bodily growth adds of about 154 primate species. You know, mammals like hamadryas baboons and proboscis monkeys. Don’t know? I have not a clue, either.

Basically a bunch of nerds studied jungle animals and later concluded male species who had “long capes of white and silvery hair” or as they defined as “conspicuous ornaments” were a greater benefit in competitive-like settings.

So this is why men with beards make my uterus wobble? They’re natural-born killers! *busts out the old school snake at desk*

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“In large groups where individuals are surrounded by strangers, we need a quick reliable tool to evaluate someone’s strength and quality,” Dr. Cyril Grueter, a professor at the University of Western Australia said. “That’s where these elaborate ornaments come in.”

That smart lady means beards. And she’s essentially saying the good Lord thought it would be highly efficient and necessary for women everywhere to have a quick visual detector to separate bitch ass men from the real soldiers in any room. My God is an awesome God!

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How-some-ever.

According to an interview over at the Times, because they’re smart over there, too. Dermatologist Kenneth Beer explains all men are not genetically designed to grow wooly Jesus-like facial hair.

Welp! No super-soaked panties for them.

“It can be because a lack of sensitivity to testosterone,” Dr. Beer notes. “Testosterone turns soft vellus hairs into thicker terminal hairs during puberty.”

Another smart person, Dr. Joel M. Gelfand spoke with the Times as well and basically said if the beard ain’t popping by the time he’s a junior in college, it shall never pop.

“Once you hit your 20s, for most people that’s going to be the extent of their facial-hair growth.”

So sis, if bae ain’t got that Barry White-style beard by now, you can give up the fantasy and settle for a Babyface.

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See? All men aren’t created equal. That’s a convenient sack of lies sold to the world to make us all get along and give out your number to the thirsty man in front of you in the Chipotle mile-long line because he was nice and let you get in front of him!

And there goes science proving I’m not entirely a bitch.

Geneva S. Thomas

Geneva S. Thomas

Geneva is the founder of Jawbreaker, which she plans on turning into an intergalactic all-girl army that will someday storm the streets of the world in studded bras and Tom Ford boots. She recently took up archery and collects more books than shoes.