“Designer pussy. My shit come in flavors.” – Lil’ Kim

I was sitting with my girls while we waited for our next round of cocktails and mentioned I do a week long prep for my kitty before I take a dude down.

Naturally they burst into laughter when I said this. There were real tears!

The squad was shocked and even a tad confused by news I actually have a 7-day prep for my lady parts!

Traditionally women douche before and after sex, which here lately has been proven absolutely disastrous for your vaginal health. Doctors will tell you to drink plenty of water, and stop there. But that shit is for rookies!

READ: Makeup Made for Sex and the Morning After!

Bare in mind, this p-prep plan don’t apply for spontaneous romps, one night stands or ain’t shit dudes.

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This is the full scale preparation for the cutie that’s about to be bae, that you’d take home for Thanksgiving and actually bake him the turkey. I mean, why would you go through all this trouble for someone less than?

If all goes well, by the time the act is under way you should be able to confidently two-step and drop it down low across the room with naked pride and have your dude asking: “How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the..?!!”

For jawbreakers like us, who want rockstar vaginas, inside and out, because why not?! Here’s the 7-day, take em’ out, p-pop plan for your night of crazy pleasure!

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Day 1:  You Gon’ Get This Water!

It’s good for your skin. It’s good to stay hydrated. It’s even good to keep things moisturized and cleansed. You want your kitty to be in tip top working shape, don’t you?

Starting day one, start drinking at least three liters of water. This will flush your system of bad bacteria and also help your intestines move any blockage you may have at your back door. You don’t want to have even the slightest inkling of a number two when he’s getting ready to…you know!

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Day 2: Go Pro!

Run to your nearest health food store and grab a probiotic in time for day two. Don’t know what that is? Probiotics basically promote and restores good bacteria your body needs to flourish and get rid of all the bad shit you don’t need. It’s a fabulous way to start cleaning out the cobwebs since you’ll be expecting company. You take a small dose of the good stuff for the next six days to get your “girl” in order.

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Day 3: Eat the Yogurt, Anna Mae!

Yogurt is about to be your new best friend! Well at least for the next week or two. I find that it’s best to eat yogurt with active cultures. Also don’t be afraid to do two-a-days. Starting day one, take in yogurt in the morning and in the evening to help move this along a bit quicker.

Make sure you check the label for the amount of sugar in there. If it’s too grams of sugar, skip it and try another brand. I personally love Fage Greek yogurt.

READ: Is Your Vagina Happy?

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Day 4: Fruits and Veggies, Please!

Pineapples work wonders down below and you should have these exotic bad boys ready for day one! Make sure you add more citrus fruits to your menu while preparing for the big night.

Pineapples and oranges are at the top of the list. Cranberries, blueberries and cherries will help your prep as well. Add in some veggies, too just to keep your system fresh and clean.

Day 5: Skip the Chipotle! This goes for all 7 days!

Matter-of-fact, don’t chop on anything we’ve listed below for the two days leading up till the day you pop off!

You don’t want to be in the moment and he suddenly catches a whiff of onions and spicy seasoning seeping from your pores! 

  • Raw onions
  • Heavy Garlic
  • Highly Acidic Foods
  • Some Ethnic Spices
  • Coffee (one cup is enough)
  • Liquor (save it for the night of)

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Day 6. Wax It!

It’s here, your day of doom. But listen, a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do!

For day six, you’re heading to the nearest salon or your go-to spot for a full bikini wax. Be clear, the full bush went out of style with black lip liner. 

Don’t play yourself and make sure your esthetician waxes and plucks every hair from the back there, way up to the front!

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Day 7. There’s Magic in the Inner-Thighs!

A woman’s inner-thighs is like her red velvet roped, glided foyer to the most exclusive and wondrous place ever! No douching but you can give your inner-thighs the scented love.

Use body sprays or perfume with notes of sandalwood or vanilla and gently mist your inner-thighs right before you see him.

The fragrance will slowly make its way from your thighs to your belly and up your collarbone, that he’ll hopefully be kissing when he grabs you for a big hug!

So there it is, ladies! The best way to prep for full exposure and a full night of romping pleasure. By the time you put it on him, you’ll feel like the baddest, and you are!

Brianna Seagraves

Brianna Seagraves

Brianna is native of Maryland and a tall girl making everything glitter with scripts and witty commentary.​ You're welcome.​

  • Norrel

    Love it!